AKandolaJanuary 23, 20171 Comment on Free Market Hero: Mr. Eugene Krabs

After watching through the entirety of Spongebob, the hit adult TV show praised for its realistic portrayal of undersea life and daring anti-government rhetoric, I have uncovered the truth about the free market. Many people have been complaining about the appointment of Mr. Andrew “All I wanna do is (bang bang) and take your money” Puzder to the position of Labor Secretary by incoming President Donald Trump, but they haven’t realized that their complaints are unfounded. As the President of CKE Restaurants, the parent company of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr, he has been producing delicious, cholesterol-loaded, food while suppressing labor dissent in the ranks through innovative propaganda techniques. An incredible businessman and role model to us all. But taking his methods to another level, it is really Mr. Eugene Krabs who has proved just how important the free market is to the success of businesses.

The true hero:

Before we get into Mr. Krabs’ labor practices, it is worth mentioning how important the economy is to Mr. Krabs:

One of the most important requirements of a fiat currency is that people believe it has value. This man believes so strongly in it, that the thought of losing a cent provokes his animal spirits and causes him to foam at the mouth. He is single-handedly producing enough belief to power our economy. Like any good pure economist, Mr. Krabs recognizes that “money makes the world go round” (from Krusty Love), “money is the ultimate source of joy” (from Funny Pants), “the money is always right” (from Krusty Krab Training Video), and of course “Counting me money. Money sweeter than honey. Money money this, money money that, profit will make me wallet fat” (from Squid on Strike). Adam Smith would be proud.

Mr. Krabs also has a brilliant business mind. From incentivizing employee productivity through the employee of the month award and through fining errant behavior:

And also through his understanding that the customer is always right and that time is money. He’s always willing to find a good deal, as when he traded Spongebob for 62 cents to the Flying Dutchman, his refusal to give refunds noted in the fine print, and from his ability to sell a broken umbrella for $20.

But for all his genius, he is constantly stymied by the repressive, borderline authoritarian policies of the Bikini Bottom Government. Just look at how he feels about the tax collector:

But more than the taxes, there are the regulations. There was the episode where Spongebob was forced to take a vacation even though he wanted to work because employers were required to give a certain amount of time off to employees or pay a fine: http://spongebob.wikia.com/wiki/Bummer_Vacation Neither the employer nor employee wanted time off, but the government forced it on them. Another time, health department regulations shut down the Krusty Krab for using too much grease in the food even though that is exactly what customers wanted and it was profitable for the business owner:  http://spongebob.wikia.com/wiki/Health_Inspector_(Greasy_Buffoons).

The paternalistic government decreased happiness through this regulation.

One instance where the policies have been relatively lax have been minimum wage laws. Spongebob actually pays Mr. Krabs to work there:

But Spongebob obviously loves his job and does it well so everyone benefits. Minimum wage laws would be an unnecessary restriction that would cost him his job, Mr. Krabs his business, and Bikini Bottom what appears to be one of two fast food restaurants in the whole city.

The real challenge faced by workers these days isn’t greedy employers, but technology. The Chum Bucket is the perfect example of how technology can lead to fewer jobs and faceless capitalism. Mr. Krabs might be the hero of the post-industrial era economic arrangement through what some economists call the “job loop” (https://worldaftercapital.gitbooks.io/worldaftercapital/content/part-two/Labor.html), but it is the Luddites, the anti-vaxers, and old people in general who are fighting the real fight. We must stop progress at all costs. We must stop progress at all costs.

To that end, this past election was a great first step. All across the world, people are realizing just how dangerous progress is. This is evident in the rise of enlightened, neo-luddite, anti-science, anti-fact, and downright uneducated party platforms in places like the US, UK, Germany, France, India, Poland, Italy, and in many other less important countries around the world. The formation of bubbles, ironically an effect magnified by technology, has been incredibly useful in this regard. Moving forward, we must continue to shut down conversation, hurl accusations of racism and misogyny at everyone we disagree with, and further embrace hypocrisy so that we can protect ourselves from the potentially disastrous effects of technology.

Thanks for reading!

Brought to you by the number 1 source of biased truth. Let’s misinform the world for its own good together!